Following the surprising concession by Donald Trump that President Barack Obama was indeed born in the United States of America (a fact embraced by most Americans during his two-term presidency) Trump went on to admit to other empirical facts he has long contested
The most welcome of these was his reluctant acknowledgment that the earth does, in fact, revolve around the sun. “Okay, okay, so Galileo was right. Big deal! He’s not running for President!” Trump said at a recent news conference. “But you can be damn sure Galileo won’t build you a wall on our southern border and have Mexico pay for it! Try asking him to do that! And believe me, believe me, when I’m elected not only will I build that wall, I’ll have Congress and NASA take a good long look at that heliocentric notion of the universe. We’ll see about that! We’ll make the United States the center of the universe! We can do that, we can make America great again!”
In what appeared to be a prepared statement to address issues that might distract from the main thrust of his Presidential campaign (demonizing Hillary Clinton), Trump also attempted to put to rest rumors that he believes the earth is flat and not a spheroid planetary object.
“Not hard to see why I believed the world is flat.” Trump told the press, “I mean, you walk out of Trump Tower and walk to the next block and it’s all flat, and if you keep walking west you wind up in California. What’re we to make of that? Flat, flat! What else are we to think? Well, someone started the false notion that the world is flat but I’m here to end it. I declare the world is not flat! Period!”
Another issue Trump put to rest was that he believed the world was created in seven days. “Sure, for many years I believed it. I mean you can’t blame me. What proof that the earth wasn’t built in seven days? A bunch of old dinosaur bones? And if dinosaurs roamed the earth, where the heck are they now? Well, they tell us, they’re all dead. Well, isn’t that convenient? But what finally convinced me I was wrong was realizing that the final day of creation would have been on a Sunday. And God doesn’t work on Sundays, it’s the Lord’s day! But if elected, you can be sure I’ll be working on Sunday, on every day of the week! Count on it!”
Pressed on the issue of global warming Trump was still adamantly convinced that it was a ruse conjured by Democratic scientists working for Hillary Clinton. “The science is all rigged,” he said, “just look at the green, orange and red hues on those weather maps that show local and world temperatures. Hey, someone had to paint those maps! And guess who that was? Hillary’s scientists. It’s all rigged!”
Trump also refused to give up his claim that Mexican immigrants are rapists, that a majority of African Americans in America support his campaign, and that Hillary Clinton has vowed to abolish the Second Amendment. “All true facts, all true, believe me!”
Trump also doubled down on his claim that after 9/11 thousands of Muslims in America were rejoicing in the streets and that their actions were caught on camera. “I know it happened,” he affirmed, “I saw it on TV and TV doesn’t lie! We’re still tracking down that footage and when we find it, it’ll just prove what I’ve been saying all along. Muslims terrorists are infiltrating our country!”
Trump concluded his remarks on an upbeat note. “Can’t wait to be elected President. I’ll take on that Korean shrimp Kim Jong-un. You want to see who blinks when it comes to pushing that nuclear button, just try me, just try me!”
Copyright 2016 by Jesús Salvador Treviño.