Hello. My name is George Santos. I used to go by a different name—Luis Torres. Actually, I used to go by several different names, but that’s beside the point. What is the point? The point is I wanna tell you the unvarnished, no-doubt-about-it, God’s honest truth about me and why I’m running for a spot in the United States Senate. Honestly. I intend to take the seat now held by Diane Feinstein, the senior U.S. Senator from California. (My good friend Elon Musk calls her Diana Frankenstein, and I can see why.)
Besides my good buddy Elon, I’m good friends with lots of successful, prominent folks. Really. Why, just last night I had drinks with Mark Cuban, the guy who owns the Dallas Mavericks of the NBA. (I’ve suggested to him that he might wanna change that surname; you ain’t likely to get much support with that name, outside of Miami, that is.) And I helped him invent Post-Its. But where was I?
Oh yeah, Mark and I had lunch the other day with Steve Jobs, you know, the main guy at Microsoft, or is it Apple? What? You say he’s been dead for several years and I could not possibly have been hanging out with him a few days ago? Well, that’s the left-wing media baloney for ya. Who you gonna believe?
So, anyway–what was I saying? Oh yeah, I’m running for United States Senator from California and I want your support. My qualifications speak for themselves. I’m more qualified than anybody who has ever run for political office. Believe you me!
I knew I was destined for great things ever since I was a little kid. I grew up in New York and Brazil and Disneyland. All at the same time. I knew I was destined for great things when I won the National Spelling Bee while in kindergarten with the best score ever. And after that I ran the Boston Marathon when I was ten years old and I came in first–the fastest time ever. Then I won an Olympic Gold Medal in the marathon and in the decathlon when I was a teen-ager. You can look it up! (Or not.)
Then, when I was the youngest undergraduate student at Harvard I excelled in everything I put my mind to. No kidding! After getting my BS in astrophysics at Harvard I became the youngest student ever at Harvard Law School. That’s where I was the editor of the law review, which prepared me for a gig as a clerk for one of the justices of the United States Supreme Court. The Chief Justice told me I was the best ever. Can you believe that?
But a career in law was just not my thing at that time. So, I decided to go back into sports. That’s when I played for the Dodgers and pitched two perfect games and hit a grand slam in the World Series. Don Larsen got nothing on me, you betcha. And that’s the truth.
So, I know the score and I think that’s what’s gonna help make me the best United States Senator ever. Trust me on that. All I need is your support – and a substantial campaign donation. You can help by going online to: Gimme Some Money.com. I’ll use the money wisely. And that’s the truth.
George Santos AKA Luis Torres (and other names)
Copyright 2023 by Luis Torres. All photos in the public domain.