My name is George Santos.
Hello. My name is George Santos. I used to go by a different name—Luis Torres. Actually, I used to go by several different names, but that’s beside the point. What is the point? The point is I wanna tell you the unvarnished, no-doubt-about-it, God’s honest truth about me and why I’m running for a spot in the United States Senate. Honestly. I intend to take the seat now held by Diane Feinstein, the senior U.S. Senator from California. (My good friend Elon Musk calls her Diana Frankenstein, and I can see why.)
Besides my good buddy Elon, I’m good friends with lots of successful, prominent folks. Really. Why, just last night I had drinks with Mark Cuban, the guy who owns the Dallas Mavericks of the NBA. (I’ve suggested to him that he might wanna change that surname; you ain’t likely to get much support with that name, outside of Miami, that is.) And I helped him invent Post-Its. But where was I?
Oh yeah, Mark and I had lunch the other day with Steve Jobs, you know, the main guy at Microsoft, or is it Apple? What? You say he’s been dead for several years and I could not possibly have been hanging out with him a few days ago? Well, that’s the left-wing media baloney for ya. Who you gonna believe?
So, anyway–what was I saying? Oh yeah, I’m running for United States Senator from California and I want your support. My qualifications speak for themselves. I’m more qualified than anybody who has ever run for political office. Believe you me!
I intend to take the seat now held by Diane Feinstein, the senior U.S. Senator from California.
I knew I was destined for great things ever since I was a little kid. I grew up in New York and Brazil and Disneyland. All at the same time. I knew I was destined for great things when I won the National Spelling Bee while in kindergarten with the best score ever. And after that I ran the Boston Marathon when I was ten years old and I came in first–the fastest time ever. Then I won an Olympic Gold Medal in the marathon and in the decathlon when I was a teen-ager. You can look it up! (Or not.)
Then, when I was the youngest undergraduate student at Harvard I excelled in everything I put my mind to. No kidding! After getting my BS in astrophysics at Harvard I became the youngest student ever at Harvard Law School. That’s where I was the editor of the law review, which prepared me for a gig as a clerk for one of the justices of the United States Supreme Court. The Chief Justice told me I was the best ever. Can you believe that?
But a career in law was just not my thing at that time. So, I decided to go back into sports. That’s when I played for the Dodgers and pitched two perfect games and hit a grand slam in the World Series. Don Larsen got nothing on me, you betcha. And that’s the truth.
So, I know the score and I think that’s what’s gonna help make me the best United States Senator ever. Trust me on that. All I need is your support – and a substantial campaign donation. You can help by going online to: Gimme Some Money.com. I’ll use the money wisely. And that’s the truth.
Sincerely,
George Santos AKA Luis Torres (and other names)
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Copyright 2023 by Luis Torres. All photos in the public domain.